I'm scared. No that's not right. I'm terrified. I don't know of what exactly. I only have a vague idea. I do know that it's a crippling fear and that it takes every ounce of energy I have to fight it each day. No one knows my fear. I struggle with it alone. I hope that admitting to it here, some of the burden may be lifted. Maybe no one is listening and no one will read this journal. Maybe my words will fall upon blind eyes. Maybe I will still be alone in the battle. But maybe not.

Austin proposed to me on February 10th. Yesterday. He did it in front of my whole family and he proposed with an opal. That means I get to pick my diamond!!! yay!!!

I love him. He's everything I want and all the things I need but never had. He actually almost beat the hell out of his own uncle for calling me a bitch! I mean sure his uncle is a total druggy dickhead and he was arguing with him anyway, but that is NOT the point! He almost laid him out for calling me a bitch! No one has ever physically or verbally defended me... that was so amazing!! I love him so much! I know I'm annoying but I can't help it! I just do.

~Rose~

How the hell did this happen again? I hate feeling like this... but I love feeling like this. But it seems that I attract it and once I have it I'm addicted to it. Well, I'm certainly addicted to him... His smile haunts my dreams and his voice echos in my memory. He is always with me. Arms tight around me. Lips pressed against my ear. Whispering softly "I love you baby. Don't worry I'm here."

He never leaves my side as long as I can remember his face, his kiss, his embrace. So tender and full of passion and love. Missing him breaks me but not so much that the first smile when I see him next can't put me right back together. I don't know how it happened again but it did. I'm in love with him. And this time I will never let him go.

~Rose~

I don't like it here. I don't like being surrounded by people I don't know. I don't like being forced to be social. I don't like it that being anti-social will affect my grade. I don't like that I am forced to put myself into situations where I have panic attacks because it is required. I don't like sharing a bathroom with an entire dorm full of girls. I don't like missing him this much. So much my chest hurts. So much I don't want to get out of bed. I don't like this. This wasn't a good idea... I have to get out...